


On General Principle

by vidocqsociety



Series: Didn't Get the Memo [2]
Category: Amazing Spider-Man (2012), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, memos from fury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vidocqsociety/pseuds/vidocqsociety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony's always getting blamed for something. But for once, it's not his fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On General Principle

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this memo](http://http://memosfromfury.tumblr.com/post/31082892504) from [Memos From Fury](http://http://memosfromfury.tumblr.com).
> 
> I used the _The Amazing Spider-man_ incarnation because Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker is a precious baby angelface and I love him. Also, it made sense.

The first time, it's such a shock, Peter doesn't have time to be angry. He just stands there, tapping the pad, waiting for web fluid. Instead, all he gets is a squeak.

Then he gets a car thrown at him. 

He wakes up in medical, the day's events hazy at best. There's an odd shrill noise in the back of his mind, but he can't quite place it. He goes home and sleeps it off.

The second time, he's dashing along Park Avenue, chasing some low-level mutant lackey called Whirlwind. He goes to sling himself up via a street lamp, but is greeted with a shriek as soon as his fingers touch his web-slinger. Whirlwind hears it, doubles back, and manages to fling him into an office building. He stares up at the crowd of office workers surrounding him. He gives a meek wave. He's more embarrassed than anything else.

Wolverine steps in and incapacitates Whirlwind with a punch to the face before dragging both him and Peter back to SHIELD, complaining about having to clean up amateur's messes. Fury pays him with a bottle of scotch and sends him on his way.

The third time, he's in hot pursuit of the Serpent Society, alongside Captain America and Iron Man. He crawls up the side of the building and flings himself off, looking quite balletic, if he does say so himself. He reaches out to swing along--

_SQUEEEEEEEAK!_

"YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?"

Iron Man swoops in and catches him, bridal style, before depositing him on the ground. Captain America and Iron Man deal with the Society swiftly, while Peter sits on the hood of a car, chin propped up on his fist, looking entirely mopey. He taps his touchpad again. It squeaks at him. "This really isn't funny."

The rest of SHIELD disagrees with Peter, as does a majority of the YouTube community. His fall and subsequent rescue is the most-watched video of the month.

*

"Stark!" Fury barks as Tony passes his office. He pokes his head in.

"Aye, sir?"

"Get in here."

"Aye aye, sir."

"And cut the pirate shit out. I'm annoyed enough with you right now."

"Why? What did I do now?"

"You know anything about this Parker nonsense?"

"Well, it's about time!" Tony says. "I've been waiting for you to realize."

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I finally got around to reading the welcome packet, and it didn't say anything about babysitting. I understand he's a smart kid, and he's got a lot of potential, but how old is he, twelve? I mean, is he even shaving yet? You can't expect--"

"This isn't about Parker's field work."

"...it isn't?"

"No."

"Then no, I don't know anything about 'this Parker nonsense'," Tony says, complete with air quotes.

Fury eyes him suspiciously. "Uh-huh."

"Really, Nick, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Well, just... knock it off."

"Knock _what_ off?!"

"You're always up to something. Whatever it is, knock it off."

"Unbelievable. I'm getting yelled at for stuff I didn't even do yet."

"Yes. You are. Consider yourself warned."

"For what?"

"For being you! Now get out of my office!"

Tony storms out of the office. On his way out, he crashes into Natasha. He stumbles backwards, inelegantly catching himself on the wall. She stands there, practically unmoved, her eyebrow raised.

"Good meeting?"

"No. No it was not. And let me tell you why." And he does. When he finishes, Natasha can't help but grin.

"You've made him paranoid. Good for you."

"I didn't do anything!" Tony cries. "I don't even know what he's _talking_ about!"

"Oh. Someone keeps replacing Parker's web-slinging device with a squeaker toy."

"I--what?"

"Yeah. You know, like dog toys? That thing."

"And Fury thinks I did that."

"Looks like."

"That's--I--he--just--no!" Tony splutters. "How could he think that? It's juvenile and completely ridiculous!"

"You wish you'd thought of it."

"Absolutely! It's brilliant!" Tony runs a hand throuh his hair. "Barton! Guarantee you it was Barton. He pulls this shit all the time, too."

"He's been on assignment."

"Damn." Tony folds his arms. "It wasn't me."

"Oh, I believe you."

"You do?"

"Of course I do. If you _had_ done it, you wouldn't shut up about it. For once, your obnoxiousness works in your favor."

"I guess that's a way to look at it. A very offensive way to look at it--thanks for that, by the way, means a lot--but a way."

"I help out where I can."

"Then help me find out who's responsible."

"Really? You're that concerned?"

"My name is getting dragged through the mud, Natasha. The only person who is allowed to do that is me. Maybe Rhodey, Lord knows he's earned it. Did I ever tell you about the time--?"

"Rambling."

"Right. I'm going to find this person, and I'm going to have a chat with them."

"You're being stupid."

"I'm figuring this out," Tony vowed. "I will not rest until the culprit is found!"

*

"You accuse me of such... betrayal?" Thor asks. Tony suddenly smells o-zone.

"No!" He says quickly. That smell always meant bad things. Usually lightning. And that's the last thing Tony needs right now--or ever. "No. _God_ no. I just... I wanted to know if you had heard anything about it. That's all."

"Oh." The smell dissipates. "I shall help you in this task. It is a slight to both you and to the Spider Man. The culprit must be found."

"Yeah. More concerned about the slight to me, really."

Thor raises an eyebrow at him.

"Right. The kid, too. Um, let me know what you dig up, okay pal?" Tony pats Thor on the shoulder before making his exit. Thor watches him leave, still mildly disapproving. Tony can't get out of there fast enough.

*

"You're not seriously accusing me of this, are you?"

"Are you kidding?" Tony asks. He's on his bluetooth, both hands occupied with rewiring his suit's left boot. "Rhodey, come on, you're too much of a stand-up guy for that--plus, it requires a sense of humor. They beat that out of you at boot camp, didn't they?"

"Yes, Tony," Rhodey says wryly. "If we cracked a joke, it was latrine duty for a week."

"Knew it. No, I was just asking if you could help me out."

"Why don't you ask your science buddy over there?"

"Bruce? He's busy with something. I don't like interrupting him." Tony pauses. "Do I detect a hint of jealousy, lieutenant colonel?

"Of Banner? Yes. Because he has a way to get you to leave him the hell alone. Blast me with some damn gamma rays. I'll take it."

"So that's a no on helping me?"

"With what?"

"Fury's mad at me for something I didn't do."

"So clearly this means someone's out to get you."

"Isn't everyone?"

"Your head is a scary place, you know that?"

"I've been told."

"I don't know. Start making a list of people who hate you. Go from there."

"Good. Yeah. Okay. Who first?"

"You want me to start listing everyone who you've pissed off in your lifetime? I don't have that many minutes."

"I thought you had unlimited?"

"I do."

"You're a dick."

"That's how we roll in Philly, son."

*

"Really? You called me to _whine_?"

"Come on, Pep. I need a friendly ear."

"You have five minutes."

"I don't know if I can accurately describe--"

"Four and a half."

Tony tells Pepper in one breath about the web-shooter thing. He's greeted with silence.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Why does everyone ask that?"

"Because we're all hoping one day it might be true." Pepper sighs. "Have you tried talking to what's-his-face about it?"

"The kid?"

"Yeah. If you're going to be so gung-ho about this whole investigation bull. Isn't that usually the first thing people do?"

"Is it?"

"You've seen CSI."

"One episode. The tech, Pepper--it was laughable."

"It's fiction, Tony."

"I know, but--"

"Is that it? Because I have a company to run."

"Yeah. I'll go talk to Spider-Kid."

"I thought his name was Spider-Man?"

"I'll start callin him that when he hits puberty."

"Whatever. Oh, while I have you: there's a shareholders meeting on Friday."

"Okay..."

"I expect you to be there."

"I expect you'll be disappointed."

"Tony? Listen to the sound of my voice. You will be there. You will be on time. You will be sober. You will be appropriately dressed. You will not, in any way, embarrass me or this company. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Ms. Potts."

"Thank you, Mr. Stark."

Tony hung up. Why was every woman in his life absolutely terrifying?

*

"I have no idea," Peter says, fiddling with his shooters. "I get it--haze the new guy. But could you maybe keep it to the Helicarrier? I'm having enoigh trouble as it is being taken seriously."

"Well, the red and blue spandex may play a part in that," Tony says. "Wait, hang on--I didn't do this."

"You didn't?"

"No. Look, kid, I know that I'm a dick, but I'm not _that_ bad."

"I hoped not," Peter admits. "I've always been a big fan of yours."

"Really?" Tony's geninely surprised.

"Yeah. I mean, your tech--not the weapons, but, like, the phones and stuff. They're amazing."

"Thanks." Tony glances at the web-shooters Peter is working on. "You built those?"

"Yeah."

"Can I take a look?"

"Sure." Peter hands one over. Tony examines it. 

"These are..." They were actually exquisite. Compact, effective, and with a personal flair Tony appreciated. "How old are you again?"

"Seventeen."

"Wow." Tony breathes. "Hey, kid, you ever need a job, come talk to me."

Peter chokes. "Are you serious?!"

"Absolutely. 

"Um, thanks. I will... I will do that. Thank you so much!"

Tony walks away, feeling prety good about himself. The kid wasn't so bad.

The squeaker thing was still hilarious, though.

*

It's Natasha who figures it out. She finds Tony in the agents' break room, poking at the inner workings of the coffee pot with a pen.

"You're smiling," he says, suspicious. "It makes me really nervous when you do that."

"Follow me."

"Why?"

"Just come on, Stark."

"Okay." Tony snaps the lid shut and follows her. "A request, though? If you _do_ end up killing me, can you avoid the face? It's a press thing. Also a me thing. I like my face. It's a good face."

"I don't know what's worse: the fact that you've thought about this, or the fact that I find it entirely unsurprising."

"Come on, like you haven't thought about what you want after you die."

"You mean like fingerprint burning?"

Tony can't actually tell if she's kidding. "You're a very scary woman."

"I know." She sounds good-natured about it. They arrive at the lab. Inside, Bruce is swirling liquid around in a test tube, watching it turn a lovely shade of fuscia. Tony looks back to Natasha and shakes his head, confused. Natasha gives him a meaningful look. 

It clicks. 

" _Bruce_?!"

She nods.

"Bruce replaced the shooters with squeaky toys?"

"Yup."

"That is... oh, my God."

"You're so proud."

"Immensely." Tony pokes his head into the lab. "Banner, you genius bastard, marry me."

"There's a greeting." Bruce puts the test tube into a rack. "Any particular reason? I mean, you definitely have the better health care plan."

"Spider-Man. The squeaker shooters. I just... can I shake your hand?" Tony does so without answer. "Amazing stuff."

Bruce looks around Tony at Natasha, who is leaning on the doorframe. "How'd you figure it out?"

"I can't reveal my sources."

"She's frightening," Bruce says to Tony.

"We covered that. So, come on, why'd you do it?"

Bruce abruptly turns back to his work. "oh, y'know..."

"Spill, big guy."

Bruce shrugs. "The Other Guy doesn't like him."

"But why would you...? Wait. This had nothing to do with me?"

"Amazingly," Natasha says. "Not everything has to do with you."

"I'm... slightly disappointed, actually."

"The Other Guy dislikes the kid more than he dislikes you, Tony."

"So did _he_ do it?"

"Of course not. He doesn't have the patience. Plus his hands are too big. But it _was_ his idea."

"You did it to placate him."

"Mainly. I do feel bad, but you know how he is." Bruce shrugs. "So really, you should be asking for the Hulk's hand. Not mine."

"There's a combo," says Natasha. "The only thing bigger than the Hulk's anger problem is Stark's ego."

"Okay," says Tony. "You're not invited."

"Your loss." Natasha's grin is mischevious. "I throw a hell of a bachelor party."

*

_SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEA--_

An angry bellow. A terrfied scream. Crash after crash after crash.

Tony blasts an AIM goon with a repulsor blast. "What the hell?"

Natasha is tasing another into submission. "Hulk and Spider-Man are working out their differences."

"Oh." Tony goes back to blasting people.

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD." Peter's voice could be heard above them. He was scampering along the sides of the buildings.

The Hulk came tearing down the street, fist shaking angrily up at Peter. "GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

"I'M SORRY OKAY? BUT YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT."

"HULK SMASH SQUEAKY KID."

Tony and Natasha take a moment to watch the Hulk chase Spider-Man down the street. "Good to see those kids getting along."

"Heartwarming," Natasha says. "On your six."

"Got it." Tony's in the air and blasting away.

Just another day on the job.


End file.
